Balancing Work and Family, are Boundaries the Answer?

Written By Camille Guillerey
Mother talking on the phone while holding her baby

“Boundary” has become a buzzword. We see it everywhere on social medias where thousands of posts encourage us to set boundaries, to hold our boundaries, to say “no” and to stop people pleasing…

But what are boundaries? The American Psychological Association defines boundary as “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity”.

There are two important aspects in this definition:

  1. Boundaries are meant to protect us

  2. Boundaries set realistic limits on our engagement with others.

Let’s unpack how we can use boundaries for a better work-life balance.

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect ourselves

woman setting boundaries with her male colleague

Any healthy relationship, either personal or professional, requires boundaries. Boundaries define how we interact with people based on what we feel is acceptable or not. Everyone has different boundaries so it is important that you define what is safe and appropriate for you, whilst respecting others’ boundaries when they look different.

There are distinct types of boundaries:

  • Physical boundaries: these are rules around physical contact and personal space. For instance, who can hug you and when?

  • Mental and emotional boundaries: these are rules around how you share your thoughts and your emotions. As an example, you might ask yourself whether is it worth entering a debate with a colleague whose worldviews are completely opposite to yours.

  • Resource boundaries: these are rules on how you preserve your resources, including your time and energy. As such, you might decide it is no longer your responsibility to put in extra hours to fix the job of your sloppy co-worker.

An essential aspect of boundaries is that we are the ones responsible for communicating them and for enforcing them. People are not meant to guess our boundaries (remember, we all have different boundaries!). Boundaries tell people how we want to be treated. But we cannot control people’s response to our boundaries, we can only make sure that we enforce them.

Be mindful that boundaries are NOT ultimatums. A boundary won’t look like “Don’t send me emails outside of working hours”, but rather “If you send it tonight, I will reply as soon as I get back in the office tomorrow”. Boundaries define what WE do, not what others do. And while communicating boundaries fosters healthy and strong relationships, sometimes it’s best to simply hold your boundaries without obviously stating them. This could look like leaving the room or switching conversation when your colleague starts commenting on your appearance.

What boundaries have to do with work-life balance?

Loose boundaries can easily mess up your work-life balance. Maybe it’s work that interferes with your family life, like when your boss constantly calls you at dinner time. Or it might also be your family life taking upon your work. For instance, if your partner is caring for the kids but keeps calling you for things they could have figured out on their own.

To establish your work-life balance, you might need to set boundaries with a whole bunch of people, such as your boss, your work-colleagues, your partner or co-parent, and even possibly your children and other family members.

Boundaries should allow you to be 100% focused at work and boost your productivity. Boundaries should also give you the space to relax at home, to be fully present to your loved ones and enjoy your down time.

Boundaries to leave work at work

Mother working at home with her kid

If you feel like work is taking over your personal life, you might want to implement boundaries to leave work at work.

  • Be clear on your work-allocated hours. If you work on a pre-defined schedule and leave the office when you’ve done your hours, that’s great, you’ve got this sorted! But if working after hours is the norm in your industry, this becomes much more challenging. Especially when the workload is so heavy that no matter how much extra time you put in, you’ll never get to the bottom of it. If so, you’ll need to decide on how many extra hours (if any) you want to dedicate to your job. When deciding on this, take into account the impact on your career but also on your family and your own health. Ultimately, this decision is yours, what matters is that it is intentional and not endured.

  • Write down your schedule. Now that you’ve decided on how many hours per week you wanna spend on your job, write them down into your calendar. Block time for work, and for personal life. You might want to schedule your yoga classes for instance. And now, the most difficult part of the schedule: stick to it! If you said that you will no longer work on weekends but you find yourself spending your entire Sunday on this big paper due for Monday 8am, you need to re-assess! No, the solution is not to work longer hours, but to employ time management techniques so that important tasks get done first.

  • Let go of perfectionism. First of all, if you think “but I’m less productive than all of my colleagues and that’s why I need to put in extra hours to get it done”, chances are this is not true and you simply hold yourself to higher standards. Now, you need to ask yourself whether the additional 5hrs you’re gonna put into this project are really worth it. Sometimes, “good enough” is best. Especially if that means you can enjoy an afternoon at the beach with your family and come back refreshed on Monday morning, ready for a productive work week.

  • Be mindful of technology. We’re reachable 24/7 on our smartphones so boundaries around work communications are extremely important. You might decide to delete your work mailbox from your phone, or to switch off work notifications after 7pm every evening. A mum once told me she would never reply to work emails on her phone because she knew this would lead to typos, so the reply would have to wait for her to be seated at her desk in front of the computer.

Boundaries to protect your work time

Mother working in the kitchen on her computer

Sometimes, dedicating time and attention to our job can be challenging. This is particularly true if you are working from home, or if you are back to work after maternity leave and household responsibilities need to be re-distributed.

  • Have a chat with your partner. Be clear on your needs and communicate them to your partner. That could look like: “I really want to apply for promotion but to achieve it I think I should dedicate 3 more hours per week to my job and I need your help with creating that time.” Be open to find solutions together, this might include other family members or paid professionals such as a nanny or a house cleaner .

  • Block off work hours. This is really important if you’re working from home as it is easy to get distracted. If your Tuesday morning is dedicated to work, it is not the time for you to hoover the living room or to fold the laundry. Ideally, you should have a space dedicated to work where you can isolate yourself from household responsibilities. And if you’ve got no other option than using a corner of the dining table, try to position yourself so you can’t spot the toys spread all over the floor - you’ll pick them up later, this can wait, now it’s your work time!

  • Be clear on your purpose. Knowing why your career is important will help you hold your boundaries. Having a job provides money, but this not the only thing that matters. For many mums, it’s also about self-worth, about developing an identity outside of motherhood and contributing to the greater good. These are very good reasons that will eventually benefit your family. Think about how you following your dreams will inspire your kids to do the same.

Final tips to build and preserve boundaries

Here is what you need to remember when setting boundaries:

  • Check in with your values. Set boundaries to protect what really matters to you. Work-life balance is about compromise so you need to be clear on your priorities and save your time accordingly.

  • Speak about yourself. When setting boundaries, use “I” statements (e.g. I feel overwhelmed). Be assertive when expressing your needs but don’t blame others.

  • Be flexible. A boundary does not need to be set in stone. You might decide that you won’t bring work home and you’ll keep this boundary all year long except for one special week when you have a big deadline coming up. The key is to ensure that once this deadline is passed, you get back to your normal schedule.

  • A boundary does not always need to be stated. If you think about the people you’ve worked with, you probably recall some who would respond immediately to an email sent at midnight and others who would typically take 3 days to reply. Chances are that, even if these people have never clearly stated their communication boundaries, you have naturally accepted them as a “normal” component of your interactions.

  • You are responsible for enforcing your boundaries. People will cross your boundaries (all the time!) and the only thing you control is your reaction. You might ask people to not call you after 6pm, but if they do, you are ultimately responsible for picking up the phone (or not). You might agree to review a report only if sent two-weeks in advance, so if it’s sent at the last minute, the choice to review (or not) is entirely yours.

Sources and Resources

Camille Guillerey
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