Finding your Balance as a Mum
Motherhood is a constant juggle where we seem to always be running out of time. Working mums might feel frustrated to not be able to dedicate enough time to their career while also blaming themselves for not being present enough with their family. And stay-at-home mums might find themselves buried into the never-ending list of house chores, childcare duties, races for pick-ups and shuttles to extracurricular activities. Although there is no miracle solution for a balanced life, there are a few steps you can take to find your own peace amidst the chaos of motherhood.
Pursue your aspirations
The decision to return to paid employment after having kids is a very personal one. When it comes to work-life balance in motherhood, there is no one size fits-all: some women might find joy in homeschooling while others will pursue a demanding career, leaving them very little time at home. These options (and any in-between alternatives) are all fine, as long as that they work for you and your family. Some choices might be dictated by circumstances beyond your control, you might need to work full time to put bread on the table. However, sometimes, we trick ourselves in believing that we have “no other choice” and we fail to consider alternatives that might be better aligned with our true desires.
A study on Australian women looked at the life satisfaction of those who decided to stay at home despite their career aspirations. And it turns out that these women were slightly less satisfied with their lives than those who had gone back to work, or those who had always aspired to be stay-at-home mums. In fact, only 9% of Australian women in their late 20s aspired to be stay-at-home mums but, in their mid-30s, 22% of them had become stay-at-home mothers. These women had decided to revise their professional ambitions when entering motherhood. But this choice might have been dictated by cultural norms or other circumstances, leading to unfulfilled aspirations (Johnstone & Lucke, 2022).
To make the right choice, it is important to recognise cultural norms, and to challenge them in light of your own values. Mums who reject the traditional view of women’s role as sole homemakers and who decide to follow their own aspirations are often caught up by “mum’s guilt”. Working mums might feel guilty of leaving the children at after-school care to accommodate their paid job, or they might blame themselves for missing out on school activities. Mum’s guilt is deeply ingrained in the non-expressed cultural norm that mothers should sacrifice themselves for their children. This is an unrealistic view that jeopardises the wellbeing of both mums and children.
When balancing your personal aspirations with family responsibilities, make sure to take decisions that are aligned with your own personal values. If you feel obliged to act in a certain way, pause and ask yourself those questions: Are you acting out of guilt? Are you worried about others’ judgments? What would happen if you made another choice? Ultimately, any choice taken out of fear or guilt is likely to lead to resentment or regret, and neither of those is gonna benefit your children. It’s necessary to let go of unrealistic societal expectations and acknowledge that every motherhood journey is different.
Prioritise Self-Care
Mums are rushing all day long, taking care of everybody and everything while neglecting their own needs. And this is taking a toll on their health! A study found that mothers’ psychological wellbeing peaks during the pregnancy period but then gradually decreases after kids are born. Importantly, this report states that the psychological wellbeing of mothers is below those of same-age women without children (Kuipers et al., 2021). It is no news that motherhood is stressful! That’s why mama, you need to take extra care of yourself!
But how could you possibly find time for self-care when there is already so much on your to-do list? If you don’t have time for self-care, this is probably the best indication that you should make time for it! Let’s look at it this way: stress occurs when resources are limited, specifically when we have no time and no energy. And stress will further deplete those resources in many ways: stress by itself consumes energy, we might have trouble sleeping or be more irritable, our mood might be down; and then everything takes more time because we’re exhausted, we can’t focus on anything, we might pick up a fight with our partner… you get the picture! This idea has been backed up by research, mothers who engage in self-care practices report decreased stress and improved wellbeing (Dugan & Barnes-Farrell, 2020).
Ok, but what is self-care anyway? Well, it can take many forms. Let’s start with the basics. Ensure that you feed yourself nutritious food, that you get enough sleep and that you move your body. Diet, rest, and exercise might be seen as the three building blocks of self-care, these are absolutely essential to your health. Self-care also involves activities that help you relax, like taking a warm bath or getting a massage, as well as social interactions fostering authentic connections, and activities that bring you a sense of fulfilment. Self-care can be as little as incorporating a bit of mindfulness throughout your day, or drinking a glass of water in the morning. Sometimes, some aspects of self-care might fall apart, like sleep in the early times of motherhood… and that’s when it becomes crucial to make sure that the other aspects are taken care of. For instance, if I am sleep-deprived, I will be more conscious of eating quality food, so my body does get the energy needed. I might also take more relaxing breaks throughout the day with some gentle movements.
Some mums like to schedule self-care in the morning when their time and energy resources are high. This is an excellent strategy because if that “mummy time” is pushed until late in the evening, you might be too exhausted to engage in those activities, and self-care will never happen…
Let go of perfect
First of all, achieving balance is an illusion. Balance is a constant juggling exercise. As soon as we find an equilibrium, it will be disrupted, and we will have to work on finding our balance again. Furthermore, balance does not mean that everything is stable. Sometimes, it might require us to put on extra work hours at night to finish an important project. Our sleep might be affected, but we will get a feeling of achievement. It is okay to neglect some areas of your life for short periods of time because you’re consciously prioritising something else. The key is to not neglect them for too long! One or two late nights at work might be okay, but if it goes on for a full week, this is likely to snowball and negatively affect other aspects of your life.
Perfectionism is probably the main obstacle to finding balance as a mum. Research has found that the societal pressure to be a perfect mother is linked to parental burn out. Mothers who hold themselves to high mothering standards were more susceptible to parental stress and they engaged in more maternal gatekeeping behaviours (e. g. taking on all childcare and household responsibilities with little room for their partner to be involved). This study also indicated that the pressure to be a perfect mother negatively impacted on women’s work-life balance, pushing them to lower their career ambitions. (Meeussen, L. & Van Laar, 2018). So, mama, it’s time to let go of intensive mothering norms and make your own rules!
Here are a few tips to define your own balance:
Set your priorities. Be extra clear on your personal values, rank them by order of importance. This order might change overtime, your priorities will evolve as children grow up and that’s okay. What is important is that the things that you value the most now get to the top of your priority list and do not get pushed down by other unimportant tasks.
Identify what is within your control. Life is messy, especially motherhood. You won’t be able to control the chaos around you. But you’re always able to control your response to it, to create your own internal peace (easier said than done, I know!). Sometimes finding balance means letting go, so you can make space for what is really in your power.
Don’t fall into the comparison trap. We all have different values, different life trajectories, different amount of support around us. Remember that you only see a tiny portion of people’s lives (and usually the shiniest part), so comparison is never fair. The truth is that every mother will have her own struggles, they might just be different from yours. Focus on your strengths, you have plenty!
Sources
Dugan, A. G., & Barnes-Farrell, J. L. (2020). Working mothers’ second shift, personal resources, and self-care. Community, Work & Family, 23(1), 62–79. https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2018.1449732
Johnstone, M., & Lucke, J. (2022). The Emotional Impact of Unfulfilled Career Aspirations for Stay-at-Home Mothers in Australia. Journal of Family Issues, 43(9), 2480-2504. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X211030730
Kuipers, Y. J., Beeck, E. V., Cijsouw, A., & van Gils, Y. (2021). The impact of motherhood on the course of women's psychological wellbeing. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 6, 100216. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadr.2021.100216
Meeussen, L. & Van Laar, C. (2018). Feeling Pressure to Be a Perfect Mother Relates to Parental Burnout and Career Ambitions. Front. Psychol. 9:2113. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02113
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