The Weight of the Invisible Load on Mums’ shoulders

Written By Camille Guillerey
Exhausted mother feeling the weight of the invisible load

When we talk about the “invisible load”, we refer to the mental and emotional burden usually falling on mothers’ shoulders.

This burden is invisible because it is not readily recognisable. And mums might not even be aware of this load, but they inevitably feel its impact. The invisible load is heavy, it might lead to exhaustion, anxiety or even depression. It is also likely to negatively affect our physical health.

The invisible load is both mental and emotional

There are two important aspects of the invisible load: the mental burden, also referred to as the “cognitive labour”, and the emotional burden (Dean et al., 2022).

The mental burden comprises all the thinking mums do for their family, when they anticipate the needs of the family, schedule, plan and organise. For instance, doing the groceries is a household chore which gives us a tangible result: a fully stocked pantry. But monitoring the rate of milk consumption and planning to buy milk on time so we don’t run out (but not buying in excess so it does not expire) is part of the invisible load; it is not something noticeable. These tasks often go unnoticed but they do take up our energy and mental space!

The second aspect of the invisible load, and perhaps the most insidious, is the emotional burden. This mental labour consists in managing our own emotions as well as the emotions of other family members. This is all the time mums spend worrying about their kid being happy at daycare, deciding whether they should cook a nutritious meal or just go for chicken nuggets and fries to preserve peace at dinner, or wondering how to provide extra support to a child with special needs without siblings feeling left out. This emotional labor is never ending, because mums are never done caring for their family.

What makes the invisible load so damaging?

The invisible load has three characteristics that makes it incredibly taxing: it is invisible, it is boundary-less and it is enduring.

The invisible nature of the load results in women generally taking over this burden by default, due to gender norms. This means that this work is carried out without consent, negotiation and most importantly without awareness. Others are not able to see this load, so mothers don’t get the recognition they deserve. But mums themselves are often not aware of it, they just feel exhausted, stressed or overwhelmed. Even worst, sometimes mums blame themselves for not “holding it all together”, when in reality they should receive compassion for the huge weight they’ve been carrying all day.

Second, the invisible load is boundary-less, meaning that mothers carry this load at any time or place. Mums are never done anticipating their family’s needs. They plan and schedule household activities when at work, while doing chores, or often at night, in bed, while struggling to fall asleep. As a consequence, the time women dedicate to their employment, leisure or community activities is not only reduced, but it is also constantly interrupted.

Finally, the invisible load is enduring, or in other words, it is never-ending. This is because this load is tied to the care and emotional wellbeing of our loved ones. Even when we grant ourselves some “mummy time”, it’s extremely difficult to free our mind from the emotional burden, simply because we’ll never stop caring for our family.

Debunking the Myth: Women are NOT better Carriers of the Load

New York Time Best Selling author Eve Rodsky explains that that women are not better equipped than men to carry the invisible load (Momwell). Instead, mothers have been conditioned by society to think that they should be the only carriers of the load, and to feel “less-than” if the load becomes too heavy for their shoulders.

One reason often put forward for mothers to take charge of the invisible labour is the myth that women are better multitaskers. This stereotype has been tested by scientists and turned out to be false: women and men are equally bad at multitasking (Hirsch et al., 2019). I say “equally bad” because, in this study, multitasking resulted in reduced performance when male or female participants were asked to either switch between tasks, or perform two tasks at the same time.

It is not difficult to imagine the impact of this myth on women’s career. Most men have the leisure to solely focus on their job, but mums’ worktime is constantly interrupted by family duties. For instance, they might have to plan kids’ activities on their work hours, or they desperately try to get some work done when at home with the children around….

Managing the Invisible Load

First and foremost, let’s acknowledge that the unequal repartition of the invisible load is a societal issue that cannot be entirely solved at an individual level. Whilst recognising the issue, there are steps that we can take, as mums, to achieve a fairer repartition of the load in our household and alleviate the toll it is taking on our wellbeing.

  • Develop awareness. If you want to delegate part of the load, the first step is to make the load visible. Start by listing all the tasks you’re doing, not just the physical ones like hanging the laundry, but also the invisible ones like planning for your kid’s dance leotard to be washed by Monday night, or keeping an eye on the lunch box snacks to make sure they don’t run out during the week…

  • Have a honest conversation with your partner. Now that you know what the load looks like, approach your partner to discuss the task repartition. Ideally, your partner would also make a list of the tasks they are performing because some of them might be invisible too. You don’t have to come to the perfect solution in one go, the idea is to work together as a team so both of you feel seen and supported. It might be useful to schedule regular discussions to check in and adjust.

  • Be ready to let go. If you want your partner to step in, you need to let go of control. Give him an opportunity to do things “his way”. There might also be a learning curve, involving some trials and errors before the new responsibility is fully managed.

    Remember, if you step in because “he can’t do it right”, your partner will most likely never learn to do it right.

  • Get rid of non-essential tasks. Isn’t it funny how our perfectionist brain makes us do things that we don’t really need? Maybe your house doesn’t have to be sparkly clean all the time? Or you might not need to volunteer to every school event? Or perhaps you could just skip cooking dinner tonight and order takeaway instead? (frozen lasagna works well too!) Whatever it is, look at your to do list and cross-out those tasks that are not really necessary. By doing so, you’ll make your day a little be lighter.

  • Get help. You don’t have to do it alone (or alone with your partner)! If you can afford it, pay for housekeeping services and delegate the tasks you enjoy the least.

    Create your village, involve family, friends, neighbours or parent groups. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, most people will be happy to give you a hand.

    And accept help when it is offered!

  • Honour your needs. To honour our needs, we first need to be aware of them, which is not easy when we spend our day running around. This is why incorporating some mindfulness practices into our daily routine is essential, so we can take time to reconnect with ourselves and find out what we really need. The other key principle to honouring our needs is setting boundaries, ensuring we preserve our time and energy for what really matters to us. It’s ok to say no to a play date if what you really need now is some quiet time at home…

In summary, the invisible load is a modern form of gender inequality that drains mothers’ mental and physical health. By recognising it and working collaboratively with our partner towards a fairer repartition of the load, we can build a happier household.

Sources

Camille Guillerey
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