The Power of Connection
Motherhood is probably the most rewarding job on earth, yet it is also the most demanding one! We say it takes a village to raise a child, and that’s true! With all the (unrealistic) expectations of motherhood, we need this village to keep our sanity. As mothers, relationships are an incredible source of resilience. It’s not just the material support offered by those around us that makes the difference (although the neighbour taking care the kids so we can attend a work meeting can definitely boost our career). The most important part of finding our village comes from the feeling of connectedness it gives us.
Connection is the sense of closeness and belongingness that we experience in supportive relationships. Humans are wired for connection, it is essential for our survival! And this is evident from the day we are born. A baby’s connection to their mother is what allows them to be fed and cared for. Research also highlighted the importance of connection for children’s development (Provenzi et al. 2018). This is because a newborn’s brain is very adaptable and is shaped through interactions with the caregiver.
The “Still face” experiment
As mothers, the connection we establish with our children is one of the most meaningful. An experiment conducted by Dr Ed Tronick in the 1970s looked at interactions between mothers and their infants (YouTube - Still Face Experiment). At the beginning of the experiment, the mother plays with her baby of about one year of age. Mum smiles, baby smiles back… Baby points at things, mum looks… They are engaged. Then, the mother puts on an expression-less face. Baby smiles, points, claps hands but mum does not respond. Baby then turns away. And after 3 minutes the baby’s distress is evident, she starts crying... Finally, the mother goes back to be her normal self and responding to the baby. Mum and baby engage again in joyful play.
This experiments shows us how sensitive we are to the emotional reactions or lack of emotions of the people we are close to. It also demonstrates common stages of reactions that occur when we are seeking connection (which apply to babies, children and adults). When seeking to re-establish connection, we usually go through these stages:
Reach
Protest
Turning Away (in an attempt to get a reaction)
Visible distress and final effort to re-establish connection
Ceasing to attempt to interact
In this experiment, baby’s distress was visible very quickly but there was no harm caused by a short loss of connection when the relationship was repaired. In real life, issues arise when the disconnection is prolonged, which can happen with emotionally unavailable parents.
Connection & Wellbeing
Connection is basic psychological need. As humans, we want to feel some relatedness to others, a sense of belonging. Studies have found that our connection to others influence our mental and physical wellbeing (Klussman et al., 2020). This makes sense because the wider our support network, the most likely we will receive help in times of need… But the benefits of connection are not limited to the support we receive, giving is just as important if not more for our wellbeing. Contributing to a community and lifting people up gives us a sense of fulfilment that is incredibly beneficial to our mental health.
A research survey investigated the factors influencing mothers’ wellbeing (Luthar & Ciciolla, 2015). Data showed that mums’ confidence in their parenting role and their relationship with their children were important, but even more crucial were the feelings of being personally supported. Four aspects were particularly relevant for mothers: receiving unconditional love, being comforted when distressed, the authenticity of their relationships, and satisfactory friendships. This tells us that for us, mums, to be happy, we not only need to be connected to our children, we also need to feel deep genuine connection with the adults around us…
Towards deeper connection
It is easy to “disconnect” when we’re preoccupied by work, overwhelmed by household responsibilities or just inattentively scrolling on our phone… But our loved ones need our full presence! It doesn’t mean that we need to be always with them, it means that when we are with them, we’re fully engaged and our mind is not somewhere else.
Here are some tips to strengthen connection (either with children, partner, friends or family members):
Listen, really listen! Don’t just wait for your turn to speak while preparing your arguments, be fully attentive to what is being said.
Be Vulnerable. Share your own struggles, feelings, and thoughts authentically. Vulnerability fosters trust and encourages others to open up as well.
Just hold space. We don’t need to fix everything. When someone is a hard time, sometimes what they need is just for us to sit with them in silence.
Share the fun. Find activities you both enjoy, be silly and laugh together! Playful moments often break down barriers and facilitate open communication.
Sources
Klussman, Kristine & Nichols, Austin & Langer, Julia & Curtin, Nicola. (2020). Connection and disconnection as predictors of mental health and wellbeing. International Journal of Wellbeing. 10. 89-100. 10.5502/ijw.v10i2.855.
Luthar, S. S., & Ciciolla, L. (2015). Who mothers mommy? Factors that contribute to mothers’ well-being. Developmental Psychology, 51(12), 1812–1823. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000051
Provenzi, L., Scotto di Minico, G., Giusti, L., Guida, E., & Müller, M. (2018). Disentangling the Dyadic Dance: Theoretical, Methodological and Outcomes Systematic Review of Mother-Infant Dyadic Processes. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 348. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00348
The Children’s Resource Centre -Tronick’s Still Face Experiment (You Tube)